Thrill of Hope

Thanksgiving came late this year since the last Thursday of November wasn’t until the 28th.

“Black Friday” doesn’t really exist. Supposed sales last days, if not weeks. And is it even a sale with inflation what it is?

These are the sorts of excuses I’ve been telling myself as to why I’m not very interested in Christmas shopping. Or decorating. Or really anything Christmas.

The truth about my Christmas avoidance is not deep down but just below the surface. It doesn’t take much digging to realize I’m not in the mood for Christmas because I don’t want to face another day without my youngest precious son, Theodore, let alone Christmas. It’s not that I don’t want to live; I’ve got a lot of living to do. Plus, I’ve got three other precious children to live and thrive for.

I guess I’m weary.  Which I think is to be expected. We’ve been warned all the firsts without Theodore are the hardest. It’s true that grief hits harder around the holidays (for reasons I don’t fully understand yet or can put into words).

My strategy for gifts in our family has historically been “Something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read.” Last year, we got the kids new bikes and helmets for their “want.” For their “Need,” we got each of them a Financial Peace University Junior kit. For their “Something to wear,” we got whatever clothes and/or shoes they needed. And for their “something to read,” we got each of the kids a subscription to an age-appropriate magazine.

This year, I know what to get for the “need,” “wear,” and “read,” but I’m at a loss for the want. Yes, I could get them some sort of toy, but that’s not what they truly want. We all want Theodore.

Zeb, my oldest, is nine years old and often asks to hold a baby. He misses Theo's snuggles and wants the weight of a baby on his chest. We’ve had all kinds of baby animals around us, and while that does help some, it’s not the same.

Jabel, who is 6, prays more about being reunited with Theodore someday than anything else. We all pray about this, but not as much as Jabel does.

Dawnna, who is 5 and was only 334 days older than Theodore, is like a lost puppy. Theo played whatever Dawnna wanted to play. On the rare occasion that Theo didn’t want to go along with what Dawnna was doing, he had a way of somehow making a “no” seem like a “yes”. So much of our loss is heartbreaking, but seeing Dawnna struggle like she has is possibly the hardest.

We want Theo. We need Theo. We want his weight in our arms. We want to be able to read his eyes and study his face.

I am one of those Christians who believes what the Bible says is true. I believe this world was created just like the Bible describes. I believe a guy named Jonah really was swallowed whole by a big fish and spit back out. And I believe in the birth story of Jesus. I believe in the miracle of how Jesus entered this earth and in the love that allowed Jesus to sacrifice himself to conquer death on our behalf.

Jesus is certainly worth celebrating. It is because of him that we have hope of being reunited with Theodore some day. Jesus is our thrill of hope.

In the popular Christmas song “O Holy Night,” there is a line that says, “a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.”

So, I guess that’s how we will approach Christmas this year… Christmas (Jesus) is a thrill of hope that allows our weary hearts to rejoice despite our heartache. We have a whole new appreciation for Jesus because we’ve never been so weary.

I will face another day, just like I have the previous 313 days without Theo. I will face another holiday, just like I have faced every holiday up until now—all by God's grace and the hope in Jesus.

I’ve been praying a lot about this Christmas stuff. I’ve really been struggling with the thought of not being able to get gifts for Theodore. And then I got a nudge from the Holy Spirit… It occurred to me that I could buy for Theo and then give the items to a four-year-old boy who is in need. So that’s what we are going to do. The kids are so excited to get to shop as if they were shopping for Theo. Before you think for a split second how nice we are for doing this, it is 100% for selfish reasons. We NEED a place for our love to go. I’m sharing this idea for two reasons: 1) If you are grieving the loss of a child, perhaps this idea will ease your pain a tiny bit like it is for us. 2) I called one of my best friends, who happens to be a child advocate, to ask if she knows of any little boys who are in need. She said that our county has a record-breaking amount of Christmas needs this year. My guess is the same is true in your county. We all have an opportunity to be a thrill of hope for another weary family.

Some Lessons From Last Year’s Gifts (If I May):

Theodore owned his bike for 37 days. When I bought it, I thought he’d wear the rubber off the tires from so much use. Of course, I did not know how long he would put that bike to use. Mamas, if I had known, I would have let him sneak into our bed every night instead of putting him back in his bed. I would have cared less about the messes and more about the memories. I could go on and on about ways I would do things differently. I don’t beat myself about this, but I act accordingly. Please do not fret about the stuff you are giving your kids this Christmas. Just be present with them. Soak them in and fill them up with Jesus’ and your love.

The Financial Peace Junior kit we got the kids was a big hit with all of us. It’s a fun, practical way to teach the kids about money and responsibilities. We were consistent with it from Christmas Day to the Day Theodore died. We haven’t been able to get back into that rhythm since Theo died. If you think about this, can you say a prayer about this on our behalf? Looking back and moving forward, it seems the small things done consistently seem to make the biggest impact. Theodore was told at least once daily how loved he was by us and God. Every day he was told that he was a gift from God. Our three-year-old died with the confidence that he was loved unconditionally. He died believing in a God big enough to create this universe and love little him immensely.

      Theodore didn’t need much in the way of clothes because he had two older brothers to give him hand-me-downs. But he did need what we call a “barn coat” and “covies” aka heavy-duty outdoor clothes to feed the cows in, etc. I bought each of these used off of Ebay (they were in like new condition). I figured he was our caboose and didn’t need brand new to go through multiple children. When Theodore left the house for the last time the night he died, he did so without putting his coat on. After he died, I found his coat lying on the floor near the front door. We slept with that coat and carried that coat for many days after his death. We will still hold it on occasion and try to smell him. Parents, the little things mean so much and what I miss the most. Smells, the wild wave to his hair, voice, or hand against my chest when he is sleeping. My prayer for those reading this (and for myself) is that you can truly appreciate the little things that are unique to your child.

    The kids have enjoyed the magazines that come in the mail. But you know what has meant more to them? Reading the Bible. Every night before bed, my husband reads a Bible lesson and then reads a few chapters straight out of the Bible. On the nights that Ryan is at work, I read the Bible with them. This has been a tremendous source of comfort for the kids. And it has also created lots of opportunities for the kids to ask questions. As you can imagine, our young kids have had all kinds of questions regarding the death of their brother and life after death. It’s one thing to give them an answer, but it’s another to allow the Bible to answer their questions. Your child may not be facing the loss of a close loved one, but chances are they are facing something. This world is indeed weary. The earlier you can train them to go to the Bible for answers, the better off they will be. For example, so much heartache and hard lessons could have been avoided when I was a teenager if I had known what the Bible had said. What a privilege it is to teach our children the truth.

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31,32

God is love,

Vanessa